Dan was an encouraging and inspiring person. He delighted in seeing others succeed. Dorrie and I were stunned and saddened by the sudden news of his diagnosis and with such a brief time for him, his family and his friends to process it and prepare to say goodbye.
One of my patients who lost her mother suddenly, said to me, "But I wasn't finished loving her yet." We've all felt that exact same thing about someone we've lost, regardless of their age, and regardless of how long we were given to prepare.
When someone I know well and love dies, I'm struck each time by three things:
1) The bittersweet grief that is a mix of love and sadness
2) The reminder that life is brief, fragile, and precious
3) The reminder of my own mortality which reminds me I'm shaping my legacy each day and prompts me to ask what I want my legacy to be.
I adore these lines from Thorton Wilder's play, "Our Town."
“EMILY: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"
STAGE MANAGER: "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some.”
Since sainthood will be a stretch, let's be poets.
Wow. I love that quote from "Our Town." My favorite work of Wilder's was "The Bridge of San Luis Rey," which is a beautiful short novel about why bad things happen sometimes happen to anyone for no particular reason. It's a beautiful work with lots of layers. I need to read it again.
I'm not familiar with "The Bridge of San Luis Rey" but I'll definitely check that out because as Dorothy famously said to Jerry in "Jerry Maguire"...."You had me at 'short novel.' "
Speaking of books, I hope you found the library book in your mailbox this week. :-)
“Words have the ability to transcend our experiences, to become something more than the daily monotony of living. This, I think, is why we cling to mantras and myths and legends. They are something larger than life, eternal in their own way”.
This post was beautiful Jeff. Thank you for your eloquence.
Sorry about the passing of your friend Jeff, sounds like he was a wonderful person.
I wish people would talk and prepare for death… it’s inevitable.
Recently I received these words from a pastor that I shared my blog about our son’s passing “He lived an amazing life and packed a lot into a very short period of time.” I’ve been told that by many people who knew him/us. Now I try to encourage parents to make sure their children are experiencing life, so many have those “de-vices” in their faces and miss out on so much.
No matter what age we are when we die, surely we leave an imprint, this should be taught to us at an early age…be kind, loving, adventurous, be open to what life brings. We have a few of Michael’s journals and his words are such a gift to have now that he’s not on this side.
Hello from beautiful Montana, I am a Personal Historian. I teach online on writing your memoir and especially "How to Write a Legacy Letter" My latest book is just about finished and it will be titled something like "Interviewing Older Relatives for a Family History" I would love to have you write a forward to the book saying much of what yu have shared in this essay. My websites are www.MemoirLifeStoryWriting.com and www.ArtichokePress.com, and you can reach me at Judy@ArtichokePress.com. Blessing, and thanks for the lovely narrative. Judy Helm Wright--Author/Historian/IntuitiveWiseWoman
Judy! Thank you for sharing and for being from my favorite state, a place I hope to live or at least visit more myself in the future. Checking out your stuff now.
OMG....your forest experience! Glad you made it out okay.
Thank you for reminding me again to get off my ass and get at least a couple of my many projects finished.
Great post. Thanks Jeff.
I have always loved sending cards by post and since it is not done as much anymore, I value it even more. I'd like to share that this is a good way to say things that might be hard to say out loud, or that you may never get a chance to say face to face. Especially if that someone you send a card to, lives on the other side of the planet. Let's keep the old tradition ALIVE of sending a card in the mail!!
I absolutely love this post--I've been contemplating what constitutes legacy in my own life--especially as I'm a single, older woman without children. What "gifts" can I bring to bear on the people I love for whatever time I have left? (Questions and reflections which seem to be giving birth to a new idea.) Anyway--the point is--this post was perfectly on target for where I am at the moment--so thank you...And btw, the story of being lost in the woods--metaphor and silver linings or not--is harrowing. I can't imagine how frightening that must have been--OR--how relieved you must have felt when you saw the highway. (I freak out when I get lost in a parking garage--for like--5 minutes.) Thx for writing this post. And condolences for the loss of your friend.
Thank you, Diana. It was pretty scary. Still unpacking it, honestly. Just checked out your substack. I love what you're up to! Let me know if I can help at all. I know a thing or two about the publishing world. ;)
Jeff, I am so, so sorry to hear about your dear friend. It sounds like he followed his heart and spoke the truth of his heart, and lived fully. That is something special, and it still hurts. My sincere condolences.
The philosophy you shared sounds so much like mine. I believe that when we follow our hearts and act in alignment with our values and beliefs, that these are generally the ingredients for feeling happy/fulfilled. But, really, what I believe is common in there for everyone is LOVE.
I have this thing where I hug my loved ones before they leave the house. And I tell my loved ones daily and often that they mean so much to me. As a kid, this was sometimes expressed in poems given as gifts. I don't write poems AS often now, but I still write long messages in cards and have given some poems over the past couple of years, too, to express my love to my family. I feel, too, that sense of such importance when it comes to letting the people you love know you love them and what they mean to you.
I know this is not something that comes easily to everyone; I understand that. It can sometimes feel like it takes courage or is a risk to tell someone you care. In my experience, which is not everyone's experience, one is more likely to regret not telling someone you care than telling them. But, again, this is not a blanket statement for all situations.
Got a text from my mom a week ago that my aunt was in coma in the hospital out of the blue.
Events like these throw us off, but makes it even clearer why we fight for our truths and to lead a life that WE want rather than something someone else deems more appropriate 🙏🏼
I wonder how our words will survive in a few decades time. I had a panic about legacy a few years ago because I don't have children. When people research their family tree they just seem to go up and down (great grandparents etc). Will anyone come across mad Aunty Cali who is over to the side without offspring?
About 5 years ago I was moving from one coast to another. I drove out of my way to see a guy named Phil. I hadn’t seen him since grad school and we had developed an online friendship. He showed me around his town and we had lunch. I’m glad I went to see him because not long after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died. Phil was in his early 60s, still a young, vigorous guy who was highly respected. His death hit me hard. This experience makes me think that in addition to the use of words to convey what people mean to us, taking the time to BE with someone is crucial
Jeff, I received the sad news a few days ago. You can post a memory at murial.com for our mutual friend. His theme of "X Days" was applied in the cruellest way.
His family also has a GoFundMe page which is posted on murial.com.
Thanks Jeff. This is such a wonderful tribute to your friend. I believe I know who you are referring to and yes he touched and helped so many people during his life. I was a member of his community and although we never met in person he did respond to and answer my questions via email. His work and legacy will live on through each and every one of us.
Dan was an encouraging and inspiring person. He delighted in seeing others succeed. Dorrie and I were stunned and saddened by the sudden news of his diagnosis and with such a brief time for him, his family and his friends to process it and prepare to say goodbye.
One of my patients who lost her mother suddenly, said to me, "But I wasn't finished loving her yet." We've all felt that exact same thing about someone we've lost, regardless of their age, and regardless of how long we were given to prepare.
When someone I know well and love dies, I'm struck each time by three things:
1) The bittersweet grief that is a mix of love and sadness
2) The reminder that life is brief, fragile, and precious
3) The reminder of my own mortality which reminds me I'm shaping my legacy each day and prompts me to ask what I want my legacy to be.
I adore these lines from Thorton Wilder's play, "Our Town."
“EMILY: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"
STAGE MANAGER: "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some.”
Since sainthood will be a stretch, let's be poets.
Wow. I love that quote from "Our Town." My favorite work of Wilder's was "The Bridge of San Luis Rey," which is a beautiful short novel about why bad things happen sometimes happen to anyone for no particular reason. It's a beautiful work with lots of layers. I need to read it again.
I'm not familiar with "The Bridge of San Luis Rey" but I'll definitely check that out because as Dorothy famously said to Jerry in "Jerry Maguire"...."You had me at 'short novel.' "
Speaking of books, I hope you found the library book in your mailbox this week. :-)
It's a novel. So good.
And I did! Thank you.
“Words have the ability to transcend our experiences, to become something more than the daily monotony of living. This, I think, is why we cling to mantras and myths and legends. They are something larger than life, eternal in their own way”.
This post was beautiful Jeff. Thank you for your eloquence.
Thank you, Mackenzie.
Sorry about the passing of your friend Jeff, sounds like he was a wonderful person.
I wish people would talk and prepare for death… it’s inevitable.
Recently I received these words from a pastor that I shared my blog about our son’s passing “He lived an amazing life and packed a lot into a very short period of time.” I’ve been told that by many people who knew him/us. Now I try to encourage parents to make sure their children are experiencing life, so many have those “de-vices” in their faces and miss out on so much.
No matter what age we are when we die, surely we leave an imprint, this should be taught to us at an early age…be kind, loving, adventurous, be open to what life brings. We have a few of Michael’s journals and his words are such a gift to have now that he’s not on this side.
Be kind to yourself as you grieve, here’s a great resource that helped us https://www.centerforloss.com/grief/
Thank you, Stephanie.
Hello from beautiful Montana, I am a Personal Historian. I teach online on writing your memoir and especially "How to Write a Legacy Letter" My latest book is just about finished and it will be titled something like "Interviewing Older Relatives for a Family History" I would love to have you write a forward to the book saying much of what yu have shared in this essay. My websites are www.MemoirLifeStoryWriting.com and www.ArtichokePress.com, and you can reach me at Judy@ArtichokePress.com. Blessing, and thanks for the lovely narrative. Judy Helm Wright--Author/Historian/IntuitiveWiseWoman
Judy! Thank you for sharing and for being from my favorite state, a place I hope to live or at least visit more myself in the future. Checking out your stuff now.
OMG....your forest experience! Glad you made it out okay.
Thank you for reminding me again to get off my ass and get at least a couple of my many projects finished.
Great post. Thanks Jeff.
I have always loved sending cards by post and since it is not done as much anymore, I value it even more. I'd like to share that this is a good way to say things that might be hard to say out loud, or that you may never get a chance to say face to face. Especially if that someone you send a card to, lives on the other side of the planet. Let's keep the old tradition ALIVE of sending a card in the mail!!
So crazy. More to share soon.
I absolutely love this post--I've been contemplating what constitutes legacy in my own life--especially as I'm a single, older woman without children. What "gifts" can I bring to bear on the people I love for whatever time I have left? (Questions and reflections which seem to be giving birth to a new idea.) Anyway--the point is--this post was perfectly on target for where I am at the moment--so thank you...And btw, the story of being lost in the woods--metaphor and silver linings or not--is harrowing. I can't imagine how frightening that must have been--OR--how relieved you must have felt when you saw the highway. (I freak out when I get lost in a parking garage--for like--5 minutes.) Thx for writing this post. And condolences for the loss of your friend.
Thank you, Diana. It was pretty scary. Still unpacking it, honestly. Just checked out your substack. I love what you're up to! Let me know if I can help at all. I know a thing or two about the publishing world. ;)
Jeff, I am so, so sorry to hear about your dear friend. It sounds like he followed his heart and spoke the truth of his heart, and lived fully. That is something special, and it still hurts. My sincere condolences.
The philosophy you shared sounds so much like mine. I believe that when we follow our hearts and act in alignment with our values and beliefs, that these are generally the ingredients for feeling happy/fulfilled. But, really, what I believe is common in there for everyone is LOVE.
I have this thing where I hug my loved ones before they leave the house. And I tell my loved ones daily and often that they mean so much to me. As a kid, this was sometimes expressed in poems given as gifts. I don't write poems AS often now, but I still write long messages in cards and have given some poems over the past couple of years, too, to express my love to my family. I feel, too, that sense of such importance when it comes to letting the people you love know you love them and what they mean to you.
I know this is not something that comes easily to everyone; I understand that. It can sometimes feel like it takes courage or is a risk to tell someone you care. In my experience, which is not everyone's experience, one is more likely to regret not telling someone you care than telling them. But, again, this is not a blanket statement for all situations.
I have these moments where I know a moment is precious (I wrote about it here: https://fromtheheartwriting.substack.com/p/the-ability-that-can-change-your) while I'm in the moment. And what makes those moments precious are the people in them, our loved ones; they're precious.
You can probably see why so much of that philosophy re: words and love resonates with me.
Thank you for sharing, Jeff. My sincere condolences.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.
Thank you, and him through you, for this wisdom on knowing the depth of our ephemerality and what that means about filling the space we do have here.
Got a text from my mom a week ago that my aunt was in coma in the hospital out of the blue.
Events like these throw us off, but makes it even clearer why we fight for our truths and to lead a life that WE want rather than something someone else deems more appropriate 🙏🏼
I wonder how our words will survive in a few decades time. I had a panic about legacy a few years ago because I don't have children. When people research their family tree they just seem to go up and down (great grandparents etc). Will anyone come across mad Aunty Cali who is over to the side without offspring?
So sorry for your loss. This is beautiful.
Beautifully written. Beautiful thoughts.
About 5 years ago I was moving from one coast to another. I drove out of my way to see a guy named Phil. I hadn’t seen him since grad school and we had developed an online friendship. He showed me around his town and we had lunch. I’m glad I went to see him because not long after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died. Phil was in his early 60s, still a young, vigorous guy who was highly respected. His death hit me hard. This experience makes me think that in addition to the use of words to convey what people mean to us, taking the time to BE with someone is crucial
Jeff, I received the sad news a few days ago. You can post a memory at murial.com for our mutual friend. His theme of "X Days" was applied in the cruellest way.
His family also has a GoFundMe page which is posted on murial.com.
Thanks Jeff. This is such a wonderful tribute to your friend. I believe I know who you are referring to and yes he touched and helped so many people during his life. I was a member of his community and although we never met in person he did respond to and answer my questions via email. His work and legacy will live on through each and every one of us.