Good stuff, Jeff. As the parent of an 8th grader, I see a lot of this, and it's definitely a challenge to support social engagement for my daughter while setting limits so that she can get her schoolwork done, get a good night's sleep, and have time to just 'be'.
I'm increasingly willing to just sit on our porch swing or lie in our backyard hammock and read, though there is often a corner of my mind that pokes at me wondering if I should be 'doing more'.
The problem with everything being interconnected is that we really have to work hard to filter out all the input and stay intentional about our lives. Otherwise, it seems we get pulled onto a treadmill to nowhere that's going increasingly fast. I'm pretty sure people are getting spit off of the back of it, too, but there's not much attention being paid to that just yet.
I always try and ask myself 'why am I thinking to do this thing? What values does it support? What are the longer-term implications of doing/not doing it?' Doesn't always work, but I do feel like it's helping me hold my own course better in the current storm that seems to be our world.
Powerful essay!! Thank you! And so timely - I had 3 separate conversations this week about this very topic. I’m not a parent and I live in a major city (10 years in LA now following a decade in NYC) but I too feel this pressure. Busyness is truly a compulsion, but I do think it’s a cultural one. I spent some time in France this summer, where I grew up until the age of 18 and it was shocking to be reminded of the rhythm of life there - people take hours chatting at terraces, making lunch etc. Part of it is because many don’t attach their self worth to their work. They prioritize their relationships and family. The other major component is that there’s a social safety net. You don’t feel the compulsion to constantly hustle knowing because if something happens (losing a job; having an accident; a health crisis etc) you know you probably won’t end up broke and living on the streets-- which is unfortunately a very plausible outcome in the US. My friend and I were discussing how as a society we’ve somehow come to normalize the unacceptable (like paying a full salary for a kid’s preschool etc). Clearly too many thought for a single comment (time for me to air it out in an essay! ;)
I love this topic and you do a super job of teeing it up, Jeff. The question seems to be, "How do we raise kids who thrive in this crazy world we're in?" I'm 65 and we raised 5 kids who are now raising a total of 9 of our grandkids. We raised them in tandem with a few other families as members of a close small group that now still gets together every other year.
Here's what we learned: Saying NO was essential. We had way more opportunities than we had time. We prioritized family dinner and time together over the kids' extracurricular activities. We prioritized connecting our kids to God and to faith. We gave them opportunities to serve others needier than themselves. We prioritized playing with them. And we prioritized our relationship as a couple. This is quite a lot. We said YES to all this. And While we didn't cater to them, Karen quit her job as a teacher in order to raise the kids. I took the kids out on an outdoor adventure on Saturdays to give Karen a break. Overall, we scaled our standard of living to fit my moderate salary.
When our oldest was 11, Karen could see that the suburban community we lived in was beginning to exert an outsized influence and posed a significant challenge. And this was before the internet and cell phones. We chose to move to the country where we could restore our influence in their lives.
This proved to be a great decision. Kids need to build forts in the woods. They need chores. They need to be free of the distractions and toxicity of social media. Looking back, I can see more clearly how close we came to losing the influence we had as parents. When kids hit adolescence, as parents, you are just a few years from launching them and you need to do whatever is necessary to launch them well. If you are not a big picture person, you need mentors who can help you understand strategy at a time when so much is changing. On the other side of our parenting project, Karen and I are are so proud of the way our kids are continuing to invest deeply in their children - prioritizing family & faith, and we prioritize helping them.
Parents are up against a huge challenge in our toxic society and need to consider radical action if they are going to really help their kids get to a place where they are thriving as adults.
Really loved this reflection. I felt restored and rejuvenated just reading it. My husband and I try to fulfill these same values in our lives, although we are childless.
Thank you for this Jeff. Just this afternoon I caught myself making an intentional choice to sit on a park bench, and soak up the sun for 20 minutes. Because I am mentally exhausted.
I was waiting for my 6th grader to arrive at the ferry terminal (his school commute is somewhat dreamy), and I typically check email incessantly, or scroll some social media app.
Just busyness with no real goal or intent.
Today was different. I listened to the gulls, and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. To just be.
Busyness really is an addiction, or a choice as your Mum says. Thank you for pulling back the curtain a bit, and being incredibly honest & observant. I plan to pick-up the book rec.
And congrats on marrying a Canuck (I'm one as well 😉). Cheers.
Great piece. All the inputs of modern life can feel like they’re choreographed to drive us frantic. The only thing worse than the start-of-school mania is the end-of-school mania—and then the holiday mania plus several points in between. I can look back and remember more peaceful periods in any given year, sometimes. But it feels like those are rare.
Jeff your great . Remember it’s not easy to be a good father, it’s not easy to be a good parent, it’s not easy to be a good husband. Each day will have its challenges
sorry to hear about your car accident but it’s not easy driving when others are going 100 miles an hour , looking into there cell phones and just not paying attention.
Jeff this stage in your life with new wife and kiddos will not be easy but just take time to relax rest when you can enjoy everyday because kids will be gone out of the house before you know it and you and your wife will look forward to the grandkids coming over . Plan plan plan to spend time with wife alone to talk, share thoughts and be best friends to watch over each other’s feelings and then continue being the best dad, best husband best partner , best parent.
I don't remember school being so busy. We had M-F classes. The Athletes had morning practice and night games. The band had morning practice and night concerts as well as varsity games. Drama met once a week to practice, and our parents never had to attend a PTA meeting.
I can relate whoeheartedly to this post. It is so hard nowadays to unplug! Every time I try to take a break, all I can think about is what else I should be doing. Even when I read a book, I think about if I should be taking notes, highlighting passages, or saving a quote I like for later. The best strategy I've come up with to combat this is to literally create a task in my digital planner called "Break Time." By treating as its own task, I am more inclined to respect this boundary.
Like is not enough to say about your simple yet profound writing. (Sorry about the car.) As much as I have simplified and tried to slow down, most days I just want to scream: "Stop!"
I'm debating this right now as I seek new employment. I was a home school mom working part-time for two decades, got divorced and have been working as an independent teacher online and swim instructor. I got a job teaching 2nd graders at a language immersion charter school and thought I was in heaven. The pay was double what I was making and the benefits. Plus, I was teaching the same English curriculum I taught to Chinese students online, and all my students were taking Mandarin in the afternoons.
Things went horribly wrong (the issues are too wide to explain here, but I am far from alone in the teacher exodus from schools) and now I am back to my contract schedule. I was interviewed for a job downtown working with refugees - the focus of my master's program - but I also have a teenage son who has a GED but is still being launched into the world and his older brother who is a paraplegic and needs some assistance launching into the world since his dad has kept him basically locked at home for 10 years.
I just don't think I can handle the commute downtown and the hours. It was exhausting at the school and still teaching some swim lessons to keep my club membership and health up. I have ongoing therapy for life due to a near-fatal car accident 30 years ago. It's a dilemma, but at age 60 with only about 10 years to go, I need to make some difficult choices. It's hard to say no, but I need to learn what is best overall for my health and sanity and the well-being of my family.
I hear you, I am a teacher in a foreign country and a mother, with five different apps to check daily and reply to from other mothers, students and professors alike, I have a small farm and four other gardens to take care of. I am busy from the moment I rise until the moment I fall into bed again, where often I suffer with insomnia caused by anxiety.
I wish, my busyness could be classed as compulsive or obsessive, then there would be hope of a cure but it’s not. I am busy because I have to be, because if I’m not the bill’s don’t get paid.
A friend (so called) said to me last year being busy is a choice, just as your mother said to you - this gentleman was retired with a lovely fat pension and nothing better to do than potter in his garden and take woodturning courses... need I say more?
My point; many people are obsessively busy, it is absolutely a disease, whether by choice or by some misdirected belief that they have to be is up to them to decipher, however, others do not have that luxury, perhaps an exchange of roles might be a cure though....
Thank you very much for this article. I am a mother of two children and I feel completely related. It's too much... but we are not going to let ourselves be flattened by circumstances. In my experience, the best thing to do is engage kids in courses that are taught after hours in the same School they attend, and for music, the lessons are taught at home by a teacher that comes once a week.
Anyway, let me tell you that it is not normal for so many unfavorable things to suddenly be happening in your life the last year (illness, lawsuits, problems, car accidents, trees falling and so on...) so, at the risk of you considering me crazy, I suggest reviewing the energy issue of the new home. As strange as it may sound, I have seen first-hand how much it can influence its inhabitants.
Just out of curiosity, check out how the previous inhabitants fared and how long they stayed there. If you wish, a Feng Shui expert can help you in case you feel like it.
We have been looking to buy a new house and have consulted with building biologists due to my health needs. I have a building biologist who works remotely and can help you. This really is a thing. Like the earth's energy under that house. Things can be done to balance the energy, if need be. Just let me know, I can get you more info.
What a great post. It is so hard, especially when you have kids and society happens around you in a certain paradigm. I don’t know what I would do if my kids were young. One thing that is weird is here, in El Salvador, I have seen kids running around, laughing and playing together...and it has struck me deeply that some things I see that I like, I haven’t seen this way since I was young. And that was over 45 years ago. There is a school in this town for homeschooling people. The kids attend 9-12:30, and can go part time. One thing that doesn’t change is there are human dynamics and dysfunction and unhealed trauma everywhere. I am pretty happy most days living in my hotel room overlooking the ocean for the next few months and that is weird in a different way. Someone recently showed up and spoke to me about tethers to the world. It has been a huge perspective change for me and your post feels related and helpful too. Your kids, in my opinion, are incredibly lucky. You are navigating. Most people are not because to navigate you have to see. To stop an addiction, an addict has to admit to a problem. I love your posts. I love your writing. In a world of too much of everything including Substack things to read, I am very happy when yours show up in my inbox. They don’t feel like another thing I will simply “get through” to keep from missing out on learning something. Thank you.
Thank you, Terra. That means a lot to me. I don't want to try to keep up anymore. It seems a fool's errand. And I certainly don't want to be something else people have to keep up with.
-yes, the cultural current towards frantic busyness is very strong, but here’s the truth that may be difficult to acknowledge: you *can* step out of it.
It will include doing things/not doing things that everyone around you seems to be doing, but guess what? Courage is always contagious. Always. Your actions (or refusal to do certain things) will inspire others to do the same.
-stating that the alternative to incessant busyness is “just sitting around” is naive, dishonest, or both. Sadly, most people in our modern culture generally have no idea how to incorporate rest into a daily/weekly/monthly rhythm. Or, they don’t even know what true rest looks like. I’m still in the process of figuring this out myself.
-I’m not advocating a life devoid of things to do. A full life is a good thing! I have six children that I homeschool and life is very full. But I don’t say yes to things that pull our family in ten directions. I am very intentional with how we do things because I would lose my mind if I didn’t. I’ve also noticed that a cluttered, bulging schedule is like a cluttered home: you must regularly hone and de-clutter (remove!) things from your schedule or it will continue to balloon until you look around one day and wonder how you got to where you are.
Good stuff, Jeff. As the parent of an 8th grader, I see a lot of this, and it's definitely a challenge to support social engagement for my daughter while setting limits so that she can get her schoolwork done, get a good night's sleep, and have time to just 'be'.
I'm increasingly willing to just sit on our porch swing or lie in our backyard hammock and read, though there is often a corner of my mind that pokes at me wondering if I should be 'doing more'.
The problem with everything being interconnected is that we really have to work hard to filter out all the input and stay intentional about our lives. Otherwise, it seems we get pulled onto a treadmill to nowhere that's going increasingly fast. I'm pretty sure people are getting spit off of the back of it, too, but there's not much attention being paid to that just yet.
I always try and ask myself 'why am I thinking to do this thing? What values does it support? What are the longer-term implications of doing/not doing it?' Doesn't always work, but I do feel like it's helping me hold my own course better in the current storm that seems to be our world.
I love this process, Steve. I am with you. Sitting on the porch and gazing out into "nothingness" is underrated. I aim to do more of it.
These are great questions you posed here at the end Steve 👏🏼
Heartfelt, Jeff. Thanks. Probably the best lesson I've learned in life (now turning 67) is knowing how and when to say "No". It's so liberating.
I'm learning this myself, Garry. Thank you for reading and for sharing.
See my comment. I agree.
Powerful essay!! Thank you! And so timely - I had 3 separate conversations this week about this very topic. I’m not a parent and I live in a major city (10 years in LA now following a decade in NYC) but I too feel this pressure. Busyness is truly a compulsion, but I do think it’s a cultural one. I spent some time in France this summer, where I grew up until the age of 18 and it was shocking to be reminded of the rhythm of life there - people take hours chatting at terraces, making lunch etc. Part of it is because many don’t attach their self worth to their work. They prioritize their relationships and family. The other major component is that there’s a social safety net. You don’t feel the compulsion to constantly hustle knowing because if something happens (losing a job; having an accident; a health crisis etc) you know you probably won’t end up broke and living on the streets-- which is unfortunately a very plausible outcome in the US. My friend and I were discussing how as a society we’ve somehow come to normalize the unacceptable (like paying a full salary for a kid’s preschool etc). Clearly too many thought for a single comment (time for me to air it out in an essay! ;)
Those are all great observations and insights, Kensho. Thank you for sharing.
I love this topic and you do a super job of teeing it up, Jeff. The question seems to be, "How do we raise kids who thrive in this crazy world we're in?" I'm 65 and we raised 5 kids who are now raising a total of 9 of our grandkids. We raised them in tandem with a few other families as members of a close small group that now still gets together every other year.
Here's what we learned: Saying NO was essential. We had way more opportunities than we had time. We prioritized family dinner and time together over the kids' extracurricular activities. We prioritized connecting our kids to God and to faith. We gave them opportunities to serve others needier than themselves. We prioritized playing with them. And we prioritized our relationship as a couple. This is quite a lot. We said YES to all this. And While we didn't cater to them, Karen quit her job as a teacher in order to raise the kids. I took the kids out on an outdoor adventure on Saturdays to give Karen a break. Overall, we scaled our standard of living to fit my moderate salary.
When our oldest was 11, Karen could see that the suburban community we lived in was beginning to exert an outsized influence and posed a significant challenge. And this was before the internet and cell phones. We chose to move to the country where we could restore our influence in their lives.
This proved to be a great decision. Kids need to build forts in the woods. They need chores. They need to be free of the distractions and toxicity of social media. Looking back, I can see more clearly how close we came to losing the influence we had as parents. When kids hit adolescence, as parents, you are just a few years from launching them and you need to do whatever is necessary to launch them well. If you are not a big picture person, you need mentors who can help you understand strategy at a time when so much is changing. On the other side of our parenting project, Karen and I are are so proud of the way our kids are continuing to invest deeply in their children - prioritizing family & faith, and we prioritize helping them.
Parents are up against a huge challenge in our toxic society and need to consider radical action if they are going to really help their kids get to a place where they are thriving as adults.
Thank you, Seth. This was helpful and timely.
Really loved this reflection. I felt restored and rejuvenated just reading it. My husband and I try to fulfill these same values in our lives, although we are childless.
Thank you for this Jeff. Just this afternoon I caught myself making an intentional choice to sit on a park bench, and soak up the sun for 20 minutes. Because I am mentally exhausted.
I was waiting for my 6th grader to arrive at the ferry terminal (his school commute is somewhat dreamy), and I typically check email incessantly, or scroll some social media app.
Just busyness with no real goal or intent.
Today was different. I listened to the gulls, and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. To just be.
Busyness really is an addiction, or a choice as your Mum says. Thank you for pulling back the curtain a bit, and being incredibly honest & observant. I plan to pick-up the book rec.
And congrats on marrying a Canuck (I'm one as well 😉). Cheers.
That's beautiful, Sandra. And that does sound like an unfairly dreamy commute. Very cool!
Great piece. All the inputs of modern life can feel like they’re choreographed to drive us frantic. The only thing worse than the start-of-school mania is the end-of-school mania—and then the holiday mania plus several points in between. I can look back and remember more peaceful periods in any given year, sometimes. But it feels like those are rare.
Jeff your great . Remember it’s not easy to be a good father, it’s not easy to be a good parent, it’s not easy to be a good husband. Each day will have its challenges
sorry to hear about your car accident but it’s not easy driving when others are going 100 miles an hour , looking into there cell phones and just not paying attention.
Jeff this stage in your life with new wife and kiddos will not be easy but just take time to relax rest when you can enjoy everyday because kids will be gone out of the house before you know it and you and your wife will look forward to the grandkids coming over . Plan plan plan to spend time with wife alone to talk, share thoughts and be best friends to watch over each other’s feelings and then continue being the best dad, best husband best partner , best parent.
Your great!! Stay calm take it easy .
Martha
Thank you, Martha.
I don't remember school being so busy. We had M-F classes. The Athletes had morning practice and night games. The band had morning practice and night concerts as well as varsity games. Drama met once a week to practice, and our parents never had to attend a PTA meeting.
Somehow our schedules just seemed to mesh.
totally on point. And everything needs a reward? balloons, trophies, picnics, parties--not a way to get ready for life.
I can relate whoeheartedly to this post. It is so hard nowadays to unplug! Every time I try to take a break, all I can think about is what else I should be doing. Even when I read a book, I think about if I should be taking notes, highlighting passages, or saving a quote I like for later. The best strategy I've come up with to combat this is to literally create a task in my digital planner called "Break Time." By treating as its own task, I am more inclined to respect this boundary.
That sounds hard, Christopher.
It works!
Like is not enough to say about your simple yet profound writing. (Sorry about the car.) As much as I have simplified and tried to slow down, most days I just want to scream: "Stop!"
Yeah. Felt a lot of that recently. Thank you for your kind words, Shari.
I'm debating this right now as I seek new employment. I was a home school mom working part-time for two decades, got divorced and have been working as an independent teacher online and swim instructor. I got a job teaching 2nd graders at a language immersion charter school and thought I was in heaven. The pay was double what I was making and the benefits. Plus, I was teaching the same English curriculum I taught to Chinese students online, and all my students were taking Mandarin in the afternoons.
Things went horribly wrong (the issues are too wide to explain here, but I am far from alone in the teacher exodus from schools) and now I am back to my contract schedule. I was interviewed for a job downtown working with refugees - the focus of my master's program - but I also have a teenage son who has a GED but is still being launched into the world and his older brother who is a paraplegic and needs some assistance launching into the world since his dad has kept him basically locked at home for 10 years.
I just don't think I can handle the commute downtown and the hours. It was exhausting at the school and still teaching some swim lessons to keep my club membership and health up. I have ongoing therapy for life due to a near-fatal car accident 30 years ago. It's a dilemma, but at age 60 with only about 10 years to go, I need to make some difficult choices. It's hard to say no, but I need to learn what is best overall for my health and sanity and the well-being of my family.
Taking care of yourself is an underrated discipline, I am finding. Best wishes to you, Shika.
I hear you, I am a teacher in a foreign country and a mother, with five different apps to check daily and reply to from other mothers, students and professors alike, I have a small farm and four other gardens to take care of. I am busy from the moment I rise until the moment I fall into bed again, where often I suffer with insomnia caused by anxiety.
I wish, my busyness could be classed as compulsive or obsessive, then there would be hope of a cure but it’s not. I am busy because I have to be, because if I’m not the bill’s don’t get paid.
A friend (so called) said to me last year being busy is a choice, just as your mother said to you - this gentleman was retired with a lovely fat pension and nothing better to do than potter in his garden and take woodturning courses... need I say more?
My point; many people are obsessively busy, it is absolutely a disease, whether by choice or by some misdirected belief that they have to be is up to them to decipher, however, others do not have that luxury, perhaps an exchange of roles might be a cure though....
I get it. Trust me, I do.
Thank you very much for this article. I am a mother of two children and I feel completely related. It's too much... but we are not going to let ourselves be flattened by circumstances. In my experience, the best thing to do is engage kids in courses that are taught after hours in the same School they attend, and for music, the lessons are taught at home by a teacher that comes once a week.
Anyway, let me tell you that it is not normal for so many unfavorable things to suddenly be happening in your life the last year (illness, lawsuits, problems, car accidents, trees falling and so on...) so, at the risk of you considering me crazy, I suggest reviewing the energy issue of the new home. As strange as it may sound, I have seen first-hand how much it can influence its inhabitants.
Just out of curiosity, check out how the previous inhabitants fared and how long they stayed there. If you wish, a Feng Shui expert can help you in case you feel like it.
Hope everything gets better
Thanks, Milena.
We have been looking to buy a new house and have consulted with building biologists due to my health needs. I have a building biologist who works remotely and can help you. This really is a thing. Like the earth's energy under that house. Things can be done to balance the energy, if need be. Just let me know, I can get you more info.
What a great post. It is so hard, especially when you have kids and society happens around you in a certain paradigm. I don’t know what I would do if my kids were young. One thing that is weird is here, in El Salvador, I have seen kids running around, laughing and playing together...and it has struck me deeply that some things I see that I like, I haven’t seen this way since I was young. And that was over 45 years ago. There is a school in this town for homeschooling people. The kids attend 9-12:30, and can go part time. One thing that doesn’t change is there are human dynamics and dysfunction and unhealed trauma everywhere. I am pretty happy most days living in my hotel room overlooking the ocean for the next few months and that is weird in a different way. Someone recently showed up and spoke to me about tethers to the world. It has been a huge perspective change for me and your post feels related and helpful too. Your kids, in my opinion, are incredibly lucky. You are navigating. Most people are not because to navigate you have to see. To stop an addiction, an addict has to admit to a problem. I love your posts. I love your writing. In a world of too much of everything including Substack things to read, I am very happy when yours show up in my inbox. They don’t feel like another thing I will simply “get through” to keep from missing out on learning something. Thank you.
Thank you, Terra. That means a lot to me. I don't want to try to keep up anymore. It seems a fool's errand. And I certainly don't want to be something else people have to keep up with.
A couple thoughts:
-yes, the cultural current towards frantic busyness is very strong, but here’s the truth that may be difficult to acknowledge: you *can* step out of it.
It will include doing things/not doing things that everyone around you seems to be doing, but guess what? Courage is always contagious. Always. Your actions (or refusal to do certain things) will inspire others to do the same.
-stating that the alternative to incessant busyness is “just sitting around” is naive, dishonest, or both. Sadly, most people in our modern culture generally have no idea how to incorporate rest into a daily/weekly/monthly rhythm. Or, they don’t even know what true rest looks like. I’m still in the process of figuring this out myself.
-I’m not advocating a life devoid of things to do. A full life is a good thing! I have six children that I homeschool and life is very full. But I don’t say yes to things that pull our family in ten directions. I am very intentional with how we do things because I would lose my mind if I didn’t. I’ve also noticed that a cluttered, bulging schedule is like a cluttered home: you must regularly hone and de-clutter (remove!) things from your schedule or it will continue to balloon until you look around one day and wonder how you got to where you are.