Good stuff, Jeff. As the parent of an 8th grader, I see a lot of this, and it's definitely a challenge to support social engagement for my daughter while setting limits so that she can get her schoolwork done, get a good night's sleep, and have time to just 'be'.
I'm increasingly willing to just sit on our porch swing or lie in our backyard hammock and read, though there is often a corner of my mind that pokes at me wondering if I should be 'doing more'.
The problem with everything being interconnected is that we really have to work hard to filter out all the input and stay intentional about our lives. Otherwise, it seems we get pulled onto a treadmill to nowhere that's going increasingly fast. I'm pretty sure people are getting spit off of the back of it, too, but there's not much attention being paid to that just yet.
I always try and ask myself 'why am I thinking to do this thing? What values does it support? What are the longer-term implications of doing/not doing it?' Doesn't always work, but I do feel like it's helping me hold my own course better in the current storm that seems to be our world.
I love this topic and you do a super job of teeing it up, Jeff. The question seems to be, "How do we raise kids who thrive in this crazy world we're in?" I'm 65 and we raised 5 kids who are now raising a total of 9 of our grandkids. We raised them in tandem with a few other families as members of a close small group that now still gets together every other year.
Here's what we learned: Saying NO was essential. We had way more opportunities than we had time. We prioritized family dinner and time together over the kids' extracurricular activities. We prioritized connecting our kids to God and to faith. We gave them opportunities to serve others needier than themselves. We prioritized playing with them. And we prioritized our relationship as a couple. This is quite a lot. We said YES to all this. And While we didn't cater to them, Karen quit her job as a teacher in order to raise the kids. I took the kids out on an outdoor adventure on Saturdays to give Karen a break. Overall, we scaled our standard of living to fit my moderate salary.
When our oldest was 11, Karen could see that the suburban community we lived in was beginning to exert an outsized influence and posed a significant challenge. And this was before the internet and cell phones. We chose to move to the country where we could restore our influence in their lives.
This proved to be a great decision. Kids need to build forts in the woods. They need chores. They need to be free of the distractions and toxicity of social media. Looking back, I can see more clearly how close we came to losing the influence we had as parents. When kids hit adolescence, as parents, you are just a few years from launching them and you need to do whatever is necessary to launch them well. If you are not a big picture person, you need mentors who can help you understand strategy at a time when so much is changing. On the other side of our parenting project, Karen and I are are so proud of the way our kids are continuing to invest deeply in their children - prioritizing family & faith, and we prioritize helping them.
Parents are up against a huge challenge in our toxic society and need to consider radical action if they are going to really help their kids get to a place where they are thriving as adults.
Powerful essay!! Thank you! And so timely - I had 3 separate conversations this week about this very topic. I’m not a parent and I live in a major city (10 years in LA now following a decade in NYC) but I too feel this pressure. Busyness is truly a compulsion, but I do think it’s a cultural one. I spent some time in France this summer, where I grew up until the age of 18 and it was shocking to be reminded of the rhythm of life there - people take hours chatting at terraces, making lunch etc. Part of it is because many don’t attach their self worth to their work. They prioritize their relationships and family. The other major component is that there’s a social safety net. You don’t feel the compulsion to constantly hustle knowing because if something happens (losing a job; having an accident; a health crisis etc) you know you probably won’t end up broke and living on the streets-- which is unfortunately a very plausible outcome in the US. My friend and I were discussing how as a society we’ve somehow come to normalize the unacceptable (like paying a full salary for a kid’s preschool etc). Clearly too many thought for a single comment (time for me to air it out in an essay! ;)
Thank you for this Jeff. Just this afternoon I caught myself making an intentional choice to sit on a park bench, and soak up the sun for 20 minutes. Because I am mentally exhausted.
I was waiting for my 6th grader to arrive at the ferry terminal (his school commute is somewhat dreamy), and I typically check email incessantly, or scroll some social media app.
Just busyness with no real goal or intent.
Today was different. I listened to the gulls, and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. To just be.
Busyness really is an addiction, or a choice as your Mum says. Thank you for pulling back the curtain a bit, and being incredibly honest & observant. I plan to pick-up the book rec.
And congrats on marrying a Canuck (I'm one as well 😉). Cheers.
Having two kids with disabilities, very different from each other, I’ve seen the busyness. Living a different kind of busy, activities go to the wayside if I don’t have back up. It’s a lonely world, people don’t understand but accessibility matters for us. So it’s often easier to stay home than participate. But I love this article!
Jeff your great . Remember it’s not easy to be a good father, it’s not easy to be a good parent, it’s not easy to be a good husband. Each day will have its challenges
sorry to hear about your car accident but it’s not easy driving when others are going 100 miles an hour , looking into there cell phones and just not paying attention.
Jeff this stage in your life with new wife and kiddos will not be easy but just take time to relax rest when you can enjoy everyday because kids will be gone out of the house before you know it and you and your wife will look forward to the grandkids coming over . Plan plan plan to spend time with wife alone to talk, share thoughts and be best friends to watch over each other’s feelings and then continue being the best dad, best husband best partner , best parent.
I enjoyed this piece. Not least because I've sort of been wondering the same myself. I live in a suburb outside of London, and feel the pace of life as it is without the "commute" and freneticism of city life I'll be going back to (for a couple of months at least), as I take a course next month. As I write this I'm sat in the lounge of a hotel at a communal co-working table. Granted, it's a part of a bigger, public setting; but I hear the clattering of dishes around me, a couple of nearby table conversations; and the guy sat opposite me has a ping coming through every couple of minutes which he doesn't seem to want to remove or turn down. (I'm already lamenting the charger for my noise-cancelling headphones that I managed to misplace recently). I've also gotten into a bad habit of watching YouTube videos (through the app of my TV) at night. (Update: pinging-notification guy is now watching a video out loud on his smartphone. He's on his second pint of coca cola too). I write all of this as someone without kids! I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person on Earth seeing all this and just wanting to... slow down and live more quietly. Going by the comments here, I'm not. A handy reminder that busyness *is* a choice.
PS. A couple of friends have mentioned to me how impactful their experiences with 10-day silent meditation (vipassana) retreats have been for them; one friend has done 4 of them.
It is a choice -- but it take courage. I’m surrounded by people who treat empty “busyness” as a badge of some sort. My husband and I made very different decisions and so glad we did. All the regrets I have are/ were always about not having stepped away from the madness sooner. I live in Silicon Valley where this madness reaches stratospheric levels if you’re not careful. Make bold trade offs and rest will follow. As will your relieved friends.
Thanks, Jeff. The rat race seems to get deeper and more sophisticated than our small minds can handle. Whether it's the smartphone, the apps, social media or us trying to make every option available for our kids, we are stuck in a tsunami of information and things to do. It won't get easier as technology develops to become more accessible. All I can say is good luck to all of us in ridding ourselves of busyness.
Franklin, TN resident here. I hear ya. It’s everywhere, for sure, but I feel it’s a little extra around here sometimes. I so related to every bit of this. Glad you wrote it as it’s nice to see the crazy spelled out. Oh the apps. 🙃
I started offering one-day silent retreats in Columbia and Leiper’s Fork a few years ago. Unplugging and slowing down is something we’re all craving and terrified of at the same time. I warmly invite you if it ever calls to you.
I remember well those hectic years, racing my son to school on my way to work, the birthday parties, taking him to his martial arts classes, homework and projects. It was a busy time. I longed for more downtime. But now my son is an adult, I am retired, with plenty of time for the porch and books. And yet...I am reminded of the old saying about parenting: “The days are long, but the years are short.”
Be still. Know the Truth. The Truth will make you free. What are all these distractions /activities accomplishing? They keep you from your self. Your attention is entirely on your responses and rarely at home....what is pulling you to and fro keeps you from finding out who you are.
What you describe is not new. It has been part of American culture my whole life (I’m in my late 60s). Perhaps it is exacerbated by technology. I particularly noticed our craziness when returning from several-year jaunts abroad. It’s almost a sickness.
We Need to Talk About Our Compulsive Busyness
Good stuff, Jeff. As the parent of an 8th grader, I see a lot of this, and it's definitely a challenge to support social engagement for my daughter while setting limits so that she can get her schoolwork done, get a good night's sleep, and have time to just 'be'.
I'm increasingly willing to just sit on our porch swing or lie in our backyard hammock and read, though there is often a corner of my mind that pokes at me wondering if I should be 'doing more'.
The problem with everything being interconnected is that we really have to work hard to filter out all the input and stay intentional about our lives. Otherwise, it seems we get pulled onto a treadmill to nowhere that's going increasingly fast. I'm pretty sure people are getting spit off of the back of it, too, but there's not much attention being paid to that just yet.
I always try and ask myself 'why am I thinking to do this thing? What values does it support? What are the longer-term implications of doing/not doing it?' Doesn't always work, but I do feel like it's helping me hold my own course better in the current storm that seems to be our world.
Heartfelt, Jeff. Thanks. Probably the best lesson I've learned in life (now turning 67) is knowing how and when to say "No". It's so liberating.
I love this topic and you do a super job of teeing it up, Jeff. The question seems to be, "How do we raise kids who thrive in this crazy world we're in?" I'm 65 and we raised 5 kids who are now raising a total of 9 of our grandkids. We raised them in tandem with a few other families as members of a close small group that now still gets together every other year.
Here's what we learned: Saying NO was essential. We had way more opportunities than we had time. We prioritized family dinner and time together over the kids' extracurricular activities. We prioritized connecting our kids to God and to faith. We gave them opportunities to serve others needier than themselves. We prioritized playing with them. And we prioritized our relationship as a couple. This is quite a lot. We said YES to all this. And While we didn't cater to them, Karen quit her job as a teacher in order to raise the kids. I took the kids out on an outdoor adventure on Saturdays to give Karen a break. Overall, we scaled our standard of living to fit my moderate salary.
When our oldest was 11, Karen could see that the suburban community we lived in was beginning to exert an outsized influence and posed a significant challenge. And this was before the internet and cell phones. We chose to move to the country where we could restore our influence in their lives.
This proved to be a great decision. Kids need to build forts in the woods. They need chores. They need to be free of the distractions and toxicity of social media. Looking back, I can see more clearly how close we came to losing the influence we had as parents. When kids hit adolescence, as parents, you are just a few years from launching them and you need to do whatever is necessary to launch them well. If you are not a big picture person, you need mentors who can help you understand strategy at a time when so much is changing. On the other side of our parenting project, Karen and I are are so proud of the way our kids are continuing to invest deeply in their children - prioritizing family & faith, and we prioritize helping them.
Parents are up against a huge challenge in our toxic society and need to consider radical action if they are going to really help their kids get to a place where they are thriving as adults.
totally on point. And everything needs a reward? balloons, trophies, picnics, parties--not a way to get ready for life.
Loved this essay 🙌
Powerful essay!! Thank you! And so timely - I had 3 separate conversations this week about this very topic. I’m not a parent and I live in a major city (10 years in LA now following a decade in NYC) but I too feel this pressure. Busyness is truly a compulsion, but I do think it’s a cultural one. I spent some time in France this summer, where I grew up until the age of 18 and it was shocking to be reminded of the rhythm of life there - people take hours chatting at terraces, making lunch etc. Part of it is because many don’t attach their self worth to their work. They prioritize their relationships and family. The other major component is that there’s a social safety net. You don’t feel the compulsion to constantly hustle knowing because if something happens (losing a job; having an accident; a health crisis etc) you know you probably won’t end up broke and living on the streets-- which is unfortunately a very plausible outcome in the US. My friend and I were discussing how as a society we’ve somehow come to normalize the unacceptable (like paying a full salary for a kid’s preschool etc). Clearly too many thought for a single comment (time for me to air it out in an essay! ;)
Thank you for this Jeff. Just this afternoon I caught myself making an intentional choice to sit on a park bench, and soak up the sun for 20 minutes. Because I am mentally exhausted.
I was waiting for my 6th grader to arrive at the ferry terminal (his school commute is somewhat dreamy), and I typically check email incessantly, or scroll some social media app.
Just busyness with no real goal or intent.
Today was different. I listened to the gulls, and closed my eyes to soak up the sun. To just be.
Busyness really is an addiction, or a choice as your Mum says. Thank you for pulling back the curtain a bit, and being incredibly honest & observant. I plan to pick-up the book rec.
And congrats on marrying a Canuck (I'm one as well 😉). Cheers.
Having two kids with disabilities, very different from each other, I’ve seen the busyness. Living a different kind of busy, activities go to the wayside if I don’t have back up. It’s a lonely world, people don’t understand but accessibility matters for us. So it’s often easier to stay home than participate. But I love this article!
Jeff your great . Remember it’s not easy to be a good father, it’s not easy to be a good parent, it’s not easy to be a good husband. Each day will have its challenges
sorry to hear about your car accident but it’s not easy driving when others are going 100 miles an hour , looking into there cell phones and just not paying attention.
Jeff this stage in your life with new wife and kiddos will not be easy but just take time to relax rest when you can enjoy everyday because kids will be gone out of the house before you know it and you and your wife will look forward to the grandkids coming over . Plan plan plan to spend time with wife alone to talk, share thoughts and be best friends to watch over each other’s feelings and then continue being the best dad, best husband best partner , best parent.
Your great!! Stay calm take it easy .
Martha
I enjoyed this piece. Not least because I've sort of been wondering the same myself. I live in a suburb outside of London, and feel the pace of life as it is without the "commute" and freneticism of city life I'll be going back to (for a couple of months at least), as I take a course next month. As I write this I'm sat in the lounge of a hotel at a communal co-working table. Granted, it's a part of a bigger, public setting; but I hear the clattering of dishes around me, a couple of nearby table conversations; and the guy sat opposite me has a ping coming through every couple of minutes which he doesn't seem to want to remove or turn down. (I'm already lamenting the charger for my noise-cancelling headphones that I managed to misplace recently). I've also gotten into a bad habit of watching YouTube videos (through the app of my TV) at night. (Update: pinging-notification guy is now watching a video out loud on his smartphone. He's on his second pint of coca cola too). I write all of this as someone without kids! I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person on Earth seeing all this and just wanting to... slow down and live more quietly. Going by the comments here, I'm not. A handy reminder that busyness *is* a choice.
PS. A couple of friends have mentioned to me how impactful their experiences with 10-day silent meditation (vipassana) retreats have been for them; one friend has done 4 of them.
It is a choice -- but it take courage. I’m surrounded by people who treat empty “busyness” as a badge of some sort. My husband and I made very different decisions and so glad we did. All the regrets I have are/ were always about not having stepped away from the madness sooner. I live in Silicon Valley where this madness reaches stratospheric levels if you’re not careful. Make bold trade offs and rest will follow. As will your relieved friends.
Thanks, Jeff. The rat race seems to get deeper and more sophisticated than our small minds can handle. Whether it's the smartphone, the apps, social media or us trying to make every option available for our kids, we are stuck in a tsunami of information and things to do. It won't get easier as technology develops to become more accessible. All I can say is good luck to all of us in ridding ourselves of busyness.
Franklin, TN resident here. I hear ya. It’s everywhere, for sure, but I feel it’s a little extra around here sometimes. I so related to every bit of this. Glad you wrote it as it’s nice to see the crazy spelled out. Oh the apps. 🙃
I started offering one-day silent retreats in Columbia and Leiper’s Fork a few years ago. Unplugging and slowing down is something we’re all craving and terrified of at the same time. I warmly invite you if it ever calls to you.
Thanks for words in the world.
I remember well those hectic years, racing my son to school on my way to work, the birthday parties, taking him to his martial arts classes, homework and projects. It was a busy time. I longed for more downtime. But now my son is an adult, I am retired, with plenty of time for the porch and books. And yet...I am reminded of the old saying about parenting: “The days are long, but the years are short.”
Be still. Know the Truth. The Truth will make you free. What are all these distractions /activities accomplishing? They keep you from your self. Your attention is entirely on your responses and rarely at home....what is pulling you to and fro keeps you from finding out who you are.
What you describe is not new. It has been part of American culture my whole life (I’m in my late 60s). Perhaps it is exacerbated by technology. I particularly noticed our craziness when returning from several-year jaunts abroad. It’s almost a sickness.