Networking Tip: Don't Do Favors Like The Godfather

You know that slimy feeling you get when you realize you've just become victim of a user — someone who did something nice for you only so you could owe them later. Is that the kind of person you want to do life with? Of course not. I want to help those

"Why am I not doing everything I can to help my friends?" I asked my friend Joe while we were walking down the streets of Portland right around midnight. "Because, if I'm honest, sometimes it doesn't benefit me."

Until recently, this was the way I thought about relationships: knowing people is great so long as it gets you somewhere. But after running my business, even my life, along these principles, I've found the exercise to be both draining and unfulfilling.

After getting back from the World Domination Summit, a conference that is surprisingly not about dominating the world but instead helping it, I made a single commitment:

I want to do whatever I can to help as many friends as possible win at life, succeed in business, and achieve their goals.

This may, at times, not be a strategic decision. But I don't care. I'd rather help more people worth helping than only give to those guaranteed give back.

You can read more in my tell-all Medium post about it, but here's the gist: I'm no longer down with reciprocity. I want to help people for the love of helping, for the gift of giving.

Givers, takers, and matchers

In his brilliant book Give and Take, Adam Grant talks about this. He says, in summary, that there are three types of people in the world:

1. Givers

2. Takers

3. Matchers

Givers, as the name implies, give. They don't try to get; they try to help.

Takers, of course, take. They're the ones who are always looking for a leg up in life. They see relationships merely as a means to a certain end -- one in which they profit.

Matchers, though, are interesting. They're a mix of both giver and taker, as they tend to help people who can only help them back. In fact, when they do a favor for you, it's often obvious what they're doing.

These are the types of people who remind you of something awesome they did for you and then in the same breath ask for something. They're kind of like the mafia in that respect.

Do you know who the world's most successful people are? Well, they're givers, as you might have guessed.

But do you know who the world's least successful people are? They're also givers.

Grant's thesis is this: It's not enough to give in life; you have to give in the right way — where you don't end up being a doormat, but at the same time you aren't secretly a taker.

My confession

For the longest time, I was a matcher. I only helped people who could help me. Sure, I was trying to be generous. But secretly in the back of my mind, I was always thinking how they might help me at some point.

And when somebody didn't thank me or return the favor or tell someone else about how awesome I was, I felt frustrated, even felt indignant about being taken advantage of. Doesn't really sound like someone who treasures generosity above all things, does it?

I'm sure there were times when I gave without expectation, but often at events and over coffee with influencers, I was thinking about how to leverage this relationship in my favor. And certainly, I wouldn't help a friend who could not, in some way, help me back.

Well, recently I gave all that up. Because there's a policy I try to live by: don't do business the way Don Corleone would. In other words, don't do nice things for people in hopes of them returning the favor. Do it because you actually enjoy helping people.

[share-quote via="jeffgoins"]Help people because you actually enjoy helping people.

The pledge to give

Maybe this isn't for everyone, but it sure seems to me a better way to live. I want to help those who can't help me. I want to do good deeds in secret that nobody knows about. Why?

Two reasons:

1. It's a lot more fun than keeping score.

2. It's the right thing to do.

If you've ever met a taker or even worse (in my opinion) a matcher, you know that slimy feeling you get when you realize you've just become victim of a user — someone who did something nice for you only so you could owe them later.

Is that the kind of person you want to do life with? Of course not.

So that's my new pledge: help as many people as I can, even when it doesn't benefit me whatsoever. Along those lines, I want to hear from you: How can I help you? No request is too big or too small. I will do everything I can to help you.

I can't guarantee success and of course reserve the right to say "no" if I simply don't have time or it conflicts with my values, but I really want to hear from you.

[specialbox]Cyber Monday Bonus: Just starting a blog or been blogging for awhile and feel stuck? I'm running a special on Intentional Blog just for you. Stop writing into the wind and start creating content your audience cares about. Click here to get this deal.[/specialbox]

What's something I can do for you? Share in the comments. (Tip: the smaller or less time-intensive the request, the easier it is for me to immediately say "yes".)